Well, it’s been a week on my “detox diet,” and there are changes, indeed. I’m definitely feeling my “feet” under me again, and although I’m still moving deliberately, I don’t feel as foggy and sluggish as before. I’ve dropped over 10 pounds of “bloat,” and I look and feel trim rather than gaunt. My calves and ankles are normal size and my hot flashes have disappeared, too. Whoo-hoo! My color is high, my eyes are bright and shiny...and my breath is atrocious!! : ) But I’m not craving any foods I shouldn’t have right now and I’m finding I’m satisfied and blessed with my routine and what I’m fortunate enough to have.

And we are fortunate, aren’t we...when we consider all that our brothers and sisters are suffering as a result of Hurricane Katrina right now. – J

I just have to laugh! My dear sis-in-law sent me a “Julie-Bug” care package (my nickname from childhood) this past weekend, and it included a little wooden push-car with a cute little bug riding in it (she understands my need for whimsy!!). It perfectly represents me right now: moving forward with a smile...and little limp arms and legs dangling from my sides!! But fresh energy, like joy, “cometh in the morning”! - J

A friend wrote me a note today that God’s at work in my body with a “squillion” cancer-fighting warriors washing away unwanted cells. What a fun word!! And I know I’m dating myself, but it also made me picture the end of the Carol Burnett Show where her cartoon persona would come out to mop up the spotlight to wrap up another adventure. Imagining all that activity makes me joyful! Our bodies are amazing, aren’t they? Life is good! - J

I’m very hungry!! This detox diet is quite spare – no meat, dairy or high proteins; just a few servings of fruit, salads, sweet potatoes and grains/nuts per day (plus my tea, of course). There actually is quite a bit of variety available, but my body feels like it’s “starving” and the adjustment makes me feel weak, sluggish and somewhat foggy-minded. However, I sense a “clarity” in my center and although I’m moving at about a snail’s pace right now, I can also feel my system adjusting a bit more each day. I continue to have enough energy to do normal life-stuff and take my walks each day (a great time of praise and joy!), and I’m getting a bit more creative at preparing food items that are more satisfying. Plus, I’m seeing and feeling the bloating in my abdomen and feet diminish more each day. Let’s round up and move out those toxins – yahoo! - J

Acupuncture is fun! I had my first treatment this afternoon, and it’s really soothing. I just lay down on a lovely, soft table with cushions and they tapped about 10-12 needles into my calves, feet, arms, hands and tummy. I felt a bit of pressure and a couple of pricks at insertion, but then I just lay quietly for about 20 minutes in this peaceful space – and I fell fast asleep! I’ll go twice a week for the next several months; I can’t wait! Now, I asked the doctor for a word picture to help me and others understand the purpose of this treatment, and here it is: like a car needs a specific ignition key to access all its systems, the acupuncture “unlocks” the body’s systems so they can be controlled and brought into alignment. It’s designed to get my organs working together again (specifically my quinary system...sounds impressive, huh?). I’m digging it! - J

A very cool connection has happened for me. As we have pursued a healthier lifestyle over these months, I’ve trusted the Lord to lead me to nutritional guidelines and counseling so I can feel as strong as possible. It’s been a neat journey (some of which I’ve alluded to on previous dates), and I’m now meeting with an established Chinese herbalist/holistic medicine practitioner locally. He and his wife are solid Christians (their clinic is painted in soothing colors with Bible verses on the walls!) and he's completely certified by the Board of Medical Quality Assurance. He has put me on a strict detoxification diet which is designed to cleanse my entire system of the poisons from the therapies I’ve received. In addition, from their wealth of Eastern and Western medical expertise, they prepare a special tea supplement which I brew fresh and drink three times a day to cleanse and provide a boost for my particular needs. (Their pharmacy room is absolutely amazing, with walls covered by decanters with every imaginable herb and spice and beautiful, long marble counter tops for mixing ingredients.) It’s certainly a new experience for me – and the best part is that I now have another support group of believers standing with me in this adventure! - J

This encouraging sentiment is something they have posted at the oncology clinic, and although there’s no author noted, I hope its truth will bless you as it has our family!

Cancer is so limited!

By the way, I no longer consider myself a “cancer patient,” although I will continue to test and check in with my doctor and friends at the clinic on a regular basis. I’m enjoying life with no fear, no pain and no doubts. Whoo-hoo! - J

Every day, I’m eager to see what spiritual connections God will lead us to. It’s exhilarating to meet up with folks and spend time sharing each other’s needs and celebrating our joys! For instance, earlier this week, we had lunch with a special client of Steve’s (who’s also become a friend) with whom we dug into the Bible and prayed together for healing, right in the midst of the restaurant! Another client/friend and his wife hosted us for dinner in their home, and both our bodies and souls were fed as we ate an incredibly delicious meal and reveled in their positive outlook on healthy living and shared life experiences and faith. At the oncology office, my doctor and I traded “words” of encouragement for our respective journeys: hers for me is “endure” and I offered “enjoy” (she’s planning her wedding!). So cool! I also spent time praying with an old “chemo buddy” and his wife while he received treatment; we used to call each other “the rock” and “the cheerleader” when we were together in the clinic...guess which nickname was mine? Late Saturday night, God put us at Azusa Pacific University to move a few things into Wendy’s new apartment, and we hit it just at the right time to help her former roommate lug a few things upstairs, too (hurray for Steve and his “microwave” muscles!). While there, we also met up with the daughter of some old friends who blessed us with serious hugging (even though I was having a massive hot flash and was able to shake the sweat off my hair like a dog after a bath...gross but funny!). There are too many connections like this to mention but we don’t take any of these meetings as coincidental; God has purpose for us in each encounter...to receive and to give. And waiting for them and anticipating the joy set before us each day is the only way to live! - J

This has been a season of incredible kindnesses. Some business clients of Steve’s (who have become wonderful friends) have spent time and thought devising an unbelievable outing for our family to enjoy in September. Another friend has offered to take us on a flight over Southern California, just for fun; hmmm...Palm Springs or Catalina? And several families have invited us for visits across the country, offering to host us with housing and travel arrangements! Daily, we receive phone calls, visits, cards and/or emails from so many folks who are “checking in” and standing with us in prayer, joy and peace. Wow...it’s very humbling and a tad overwhelming to be the focus of so much compassion and generosity. But there’s no denying it: God’s got us all in His grip! - J

Whee! I’m a motorcycle mama!! A friend picked me up this morning on her new Harley and took me across town to enjoy a delicious morning “tea” at a local British emporium. It was absolutely delightful to feel the wind and revel in the looks of passers-by as we zipped along the freeway and city streets; yes, we did get smiles and waves from a couple of truck drivers on our route! It was so freeing – and I found myself grinning the entire time!! (Fortunately, the helmet face shield helped keep out the bugs....) Every day is an adventure! - J

As lovely as that storm was for my spirit, it didn’t do much for our home computer! It seems that the lightening crash that began the assault was direct enough on our property to be able to blast past our surge protector and fry the “mother board” of our computer...and blow out our internet router as well! Finally, after two long days of dogged persistence, sacrifice and brilliant finagling (not to mention some serious bucks), Steve got an alternative computer system set up and running today so I can get some work done and stay connected with folks while waiting for repairs. I am blessed beyond belief...and, although the computer is very cool...my reference is to my beleaguered and beloved hubby who put all his priorities aside and wouldn’t quit until he’d achieved this, just for me. - J

Spectacular! We don’t often get violent storms here in our area, but the one that came by today in the early morning hours was amazing! It was startling in its intensity (I guess we were directly under the storm cell); a real “gully-washer” with lightening and thunder which was delightful to experience (while all cozy and safe in bed) as it raged then moved on after about half an hour. For me, it was simultaneously stimulating and soothing to my spirit because I’ve always loved the rain. But better than that, I lay grinning in the dark as I remembered the comments of a dear friend standing with us, praying for God’s healing. He said that after we’ve done everything we believe God wants us to, it’s up to the Lord to “bring the rain” that will bring results. And, oh, how I reveled in that rain as I felt Him reign in my life! - J

I’ve been a bit discouraged because my ankles have been swelling for a few days and my legs feel sluggish. Because the cancer can affect my liver function, toxic build-up in my system is a real concern. So, I’ve been putting my feet up whenever I can and enjoying the special fruit and veggie juices we concoct in our kitchen which cleanse and refresh both my mind and body. Of course, the heat and humidity is a factor…but why not use the excuse to pamper myself?! —J

The bone scan I received a few weeks ago showed that cancer had popped up in one of my ribs. But it also revealed some very good news for me: my badly sprained ankle from last summer was completely healed and I had a bone spur on my left heel. Good news, you say? Well, a lot of you had seen me limping around with stiffness and discomfort from day to day in recent months, and it was good to know the cause (and that I wasn’t “crazy”!). Now, here’s the best news: the spur has stopped bothering me! (Yay, God!) The discomfort faded nearly two weeks ago, and I am walking normally for the first time in months! I am so grateful because it has allowed me to “step up” (pun intended : ) my walking and exercise regimen once again. Hurrah! And consequently, I really had a ball traipsing around the town of Wrightwood today with my beloved sis, Dana, as we celebrated her birthday.—J

As I took a twilight walk tonight, I rounded a corner of the neighborhood and could see the open sky between the valley and the local mountains. There, perfectly positioned and proportioned, was a large white cross which had been created by two jets, one of which could still be seen scooting away in the distance. As I walked along, this cross was before me…and I couldn’t help but burst into songs of praise! It was visible until I returned to my driveway, and then it gently dissipated into the breezes and the evening darkness. There are signs all around us of the love God freely offers; oh, to have open eyes and hearts to see! - J

Holly surprised us by returning from her camp adventure first thing this morning, instead of the afternoon time we had expected. Seems the bus drivers really got down to business transporting this busload of tired teens back home! About an hour after we got her settled in, she passed out on her bed until mid-afternoon. Good thing, too, as I got a call from the oncologist’s office that I had been approved for a bone-strengthening infusion…and could I come in right away? So, I was able to have the 2-hour-ish infusion and visit with my special “support group,” all while my precious girl was getting her beauty sleep. God is in the details for and with me each day. – J

These have been days of incredible release and freedom for me. Spiritual healing has taken place, and I’m filled with wonder and hope for the future. And you may have heard me articulate this before, but I just thought I’d say it again: I believe that God thought me up, then created me and put me in this time and place to be part of His perfect plan. When He did that, He also numbered my days…and He said it was good. I either trust that or I don’t. And since I do, I also know that whatever time I have is what’s been established for me from the beginning. As I continue to do everything I can to stay healthy, upbeat and focused on living, I am content and confident that I will have enough time to contribute to and enjoy this earthly adventure. No disease can cut that short! Sickness doesn’t come from God…nor does it restrict His plans. I will “go home” when it’s His timing, not before. So, as I move ahead through these days, I know the Lord will continue to minimize the pain and maximize the pleasure, as He has all along. - J

Since Holly was busy and cared for elsewhere, we took some time this weekend – Steve, Wendy and I – to head to a hotel down near the beach, just to get away for a few days. We enjoyed the amenities of the hotel, did some sightseeing, enjoyed some fun meals together and tore up the course at a local miniature golf amusement park! We also shared openly and honestly our deepest feelings about the recent diagnosis (I got to rant and rave all I wanted!) and didn’t shy away from our emotions or difficult subjects. It was helpful and healing. We are continuing to count our blessings and enjoy our days, casting all our cares on the Lord, who created and sustains us. – J

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We put Holly (our youngest daughter) on a bus with about 50 other kids and chaperones this morning, bound for the Colorado camp she’s been anticipating and working towards for months. We encouraged her to go; she decided, too, that it was the best place for her to be at this time. After all, she’s with her spiritual support group and closest friends (members of the church youth group) and will be attending a camp at which the theme is “Further” (moving forward and deeper into your relationship with God and faith walk). Can’t beat that! As we waited for our kids to depart, Steve and I received a lot of encouragement from our many friends there. It was a positive beginning to this new season. - J

There's no getting around it. The news from the doctor wasn't good.

Despite Julie's recent chemotherapy, the main tumor in her liver has grown from 4.3 cm to 7.4 cm. After her previous CAT scan, they had found two additional tumors in her liver. The notation on her scan from last week showed “numerous additional lesions.” They didn't bother giving an exact number. And as if that weren't bad enough, her bone scan showed a lesion (almost certainly malignant) on her fifth posterior rib on her right side, just behind the liver.

We discussed the results at length with the doctor. There are a couple of other drugs we could try, but all of them are different forms of drugs to which this cancer has already proven resistant. They would leave Julie feeling weak and sick from chemotherapy while having a negligible chance of making any difference whatsoever. There are no clinical studies anywhere in the country for which Julie is eligible. Liver surgery wouldn't be effective because of the number of tumors. Even if it were a possibility, it holds a very small chance of having any impact other than leaving Julie sick and in pain. The bottom line is that our medical options have run out. Barring a miracle, she has about three to six months left.

At this point, the doctor recommends discontinuing treatment and concentrating our efforts on maintaining quality of life for as long as possible. As difficult as that is, we agreed. Dr. Bosserman wept with us in a group hug after we made the decision. Her genuine care has meant so much.

Julie and I are both torn about whether this choice constitutes surrender, but we don't think it does. If God were going to heal Julie through some human, medical means, He could certainly have done so. He still has the power to deliver her from this disease, and He doesn't need the help of any chemical agent to do so. God was in control when the medical outlook was rosy and he is every bit as sovereign and powerful today.

We spent a couple of hours talking after we left the doctor's office. Julie is not afraid of dying or hurting. We are both just overwhelmingly sad -- not just about what this means to us and our kids, but the hurt this is causing within our extended family and our wonderful friends. We love and appreciate you so much.

We'll continue to post updates as the days go on, and after we've had time to process this a bit.

Well, the most recent round of testing is finally all done (a bone scan and CT scans of the chest, abdomen and pelvic regions – very easy, familiar and kinda fun, actually). Just like chemo days, I actually look forward to doing these things because tests just reveal what is, and I like to know what’s going on. Now the “waiting game” begins, but I told Steve I don’t want to play! Since my energy increases when I’m on my “off chemo” week, I’m hoping to just enjoy life and work on a few projects – including getting our Holly off to her much-anticipated summer camp in Colorado (she’s earned the money herself!) We’ll get the test results and be able to tell you all more after we meet with our oncologist at the end of next week. —J

As we approach the one-year anniversary of my mastectomy, a curious thing has been happening in recent days. My surgery site is extremely itchy, even though the surface area has been mostly numb. It’s not “phantom” itching; it’s below the surface, which indicates the cut and damaged nerves are coming back to life. Very cool – except that the itching is a little maddening! It’s actually awoken me several times in the night. However, in my attempts to soothe that irritation, I’ve discovered that the numbness is waning in that region, as well. So, along with the general softening of the skin (toughened quite a bit from my radiation therapy), my breast area is beginning to feel more normal (literally!). This is just another example of how my healthy and strong my system is. So why can’t we knock out this pesky cancer?? :-( —J

It’s HOT! Higher temperatures and humidity trigger hot flashes for me. OK, OK – yes, I’m menopausal – but these lovely heat waves are also aggravated by chemo treatments (I’ve been enjoying them for over a year, now). While I usually just take them in stride, and my family is so helpful in fanning me, it’s been embarrassing lately to be in public with sweat trickling – sometimes streaming – down my face and neck. My hair looks like I just stepped out of the shower! And when I try to fluff it dry, I turn into Bozo. :-) Hey…at least I have hair this summer!! —J

While I was receiving chemo this morning, I asked the nurses about my latest blood counts. They brought me a copy of the results – and a lot of the numbers had shifted in the wrong direction. That was something I didn’t expect! My most recent blood tests have continually shown me in the normal range for everything except my white-blood-cell count, which continued to climb toward normalcy each week, despite the chemo. But today, my white cells had dropped a full point and my red-blood-cell counts had also dropped out of the normal range. It left me feeling a little discouraged, even though the nurses reminded me that this is a common chemical reaction. —J

Even though the testing we expected to do at the end of June was put off for another month, it’s actually been a blessing for our whole family. My chemo schedule and side effects pretty much stayed the same, which allowed us to relax and just enjoy this summertime season. That’s meant more time with our girls, friends and working on projects around the house together. I overheard Steve talking with a friend on the phone the other day, and he was saying how nice it’s been to not be in “cancer-focus mode.” It’s wonderful to be normal! —J

The last month has been somewhat uneventful as far as the cancer situation is concerned. The side effects of the current chemo treatments are mild and don't seem to be interfering with Julie's daily routine. We've even had time for a few outings, a week of vacation (spent around the house doing small home-improvement projects) and a visit from our dear friends the Thompsons.

Our doctor wanted to wait until Julie had completed three cycles of chemotherapy before running further tests on the status of the tumors. As of now, Julie is scheduled to get a bone scan and CT scan on the 20th and 21st. We won't know the results until the next week, probably the 28th. We appreciate your continued prayer. —S

Last Thursday, my doctor said my blood work showed all my counts continue to be excellent. My liver function is still very much in the normal range, and my tumor marker count is actually down several points. I’m relaxing and rejoicing in how good I feel overall. Even though my hair is thinning, it’s still “normal” looking, so the fam doesn’t think I should shave, yet. However, I miss the thick, curly hair I had for a few months. —J

Last week drove home some difficult realities. Julie had some muscle soreness in her back. At first, we thought it was just an ordinary muscle strain. Then Julie realized that when she pressed in the area of her liver, the pain radiated through to the sore spot in her back. Suddenly, we realized that this may be something called "referred pain" originating in the liver. In case you're wondering, that's a bad thing.

Back at the beginning of May, the doctor told us that liver problems would become serious in three to six months if chemo treatments failed to slow things down. This new pain made us wonder if the timetable was accelerating.

Our emotions took a nose dive. We spent a lot of time on Tuesday crying, talking, and crying some more. We felt pretty helpless. By Wednesday, we felt tired but much better. That night, we decided to see "The Notebook." I don't want to spoil the movie for those who haven't seen it, but the plot basically revolves around a man desperately trying not to lose his wife. Even though the circumstances are different, I identified with him. I cried through the closing credits.

On Thursday, Julie had an appointment with the doctor prior to receiving chemo. She did a pretty thorough examination and said she's pretty sure that the back muscle pain has nothing to do with the cancer. Whew. Our immediate concern was relieved.

We still don't know what's going on with the liver tumors. Julie is on her second round of Navelbine, and she won't get new CT scans (to actually measure the tumors) until the round is over in a few weeks. But as long as she's feeling good, we just move on with life as we know it. As normal as possible for as long as possible. That's our plan.

In the meantime, we know that even though our medical options are dwindling, we hope in God who is bigger than cancer. Your continued prayers are so appreciated. —S

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